Exam tomorrow ; Block 1.6 .

Yesterday I was so fed up of life I wanted to leave this world for good. I had lost all faith in this world …. I really was or rather am looking for ways to live.

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I ve decided not to let failure define me .If I am not a good person in another person’s life it does not mean I have to give up on live entirely.

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Mustapha came to see me today , brought me some material for studying as my laptop had crashed a few days back.  I just poured out every thing I had on my mind. He just suggested I should focus on studying and not let depression attacks want me to give up on this world.

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I’m still trying to make up my mind . There are very little reasons to live in this world …. I really have to start looking very hard for them .

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I really want to be happy …. But as it seems I don’t know how to be happy    .

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Smiling seems to help ,
My goal now is to be the most I can be , without any body’s opinion. The person whose opinion matters most is Me .

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Even if nobody likes me …. I accept me … I love me … And that is really what matters most .

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Exam tomorrow ; Block 1.6 .

Yesterday I was so fed up of life I wanted to leave this world for good. I had lost all faith in this world …. I really was or rather am looking for ways to live.

image

I ve decided not to let failure define me .If I am not a good person in another person’s life it does not mean I have to give up on live entirely.

image

Mustapha came to see me today , brought me some material for studying as my laptop had crashed a few days back.  I just poured out every thing I had on my mind. He just suggested I should focus on studying and not let depression attacks want me to give up on this world.

image

I’m still trying to make up my mind . There are very little reasons to live in this world …. I really have to start looking very hard for them .

image

I really want to be happy …. But as it seems I don’t know how to be happy    .

image

Smiling seems to help ,
My goal now is to be the most I can be , without any body’s opinion. The person whose opinion matters most is Me .

image

Even if nobody likes me …. I accept me … I love me … And that is really what matters most .

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Goodbye World

I have had enough of this world , I’m fed up of being examined on things I have to memorize.
I am tired of not being good enough. I am tired. I am tired of not being good enough . I am tired of being this monster. And I am tired , just really tired.

I’m still waiting for the reason I have to live …. Still trying to find one, but still haven’t found it yet . I need a lot of that . But then again…. As every moment of every second and every minute passes, I find myself not able to find that which I need.

I feel like the worst person alive . Still don’t feel like I’m being too harsh on me. Still feel like its not who I am meant to be , whatever I’ve done so far in life , I feel like it was a lie I’ve been telling myself .

Even this dumb things I write away in the remote corners of the internet, I still find myself loathing it all .

I am waiting for the reason to live ….. As I am seated in this Laboratory filled with all of my class mates.  I find it difficult to find myself once more.

All I want from this life is to be happy , but I keep getting ostracised for who I am .
I’m really just fed up .I really am.

Remorse

Remorse,

Regret,

Sanity,

As a person, I’ve really come a long way, but today I have realised that all the pride and happiness I get from being proud of being a good person is just a lie.

I just have a really bad mouth…. And I keep saying things I shouldn’t , I feel like a complete arse , I shouldn’t be allowed to treat people like this.

But then again I don’t know how to control that …. I have so much light in me , but its like I’ve snapped it shut in a shell because of the way I talk .

I wish I were dumb. 😐:'(

But then again another challenge to complete …. 😐 😓

Hating myself for this , but then its a chance to change something . I don’t feel like myself ……. And I’m beginning to hate myself for what I’m doing to all the people in my life . I just need a break from myself. The more I try , the worse I become. And I feel terrible .

Alone is what i have …Alone protects me….

Alone…… This word is so lonely….. The word that describes so much in just 5 alphabets…. I have wondered how much of it I can take ….

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In the crowds , in the full lecture rooms…. In the Library…. In the Parties…. In the Events I go to….   Everywhere I go I feel this word…. Alone…. With nobody around me …. A lone traveller in the long road to oblivion….

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With friends…. Colleagues …. Bitchy room mates….. Selfish people… Haters….Family …. Admirers…. And myself . Alone I came into this world….Alone I shall part…. With no help but from God.

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All I think I can achieve is only possible if I am Alone …. Alone is what I have… Alone is what protects me…. Protects me from feelings of despair…. Feelings of the unfairness of life…. And of all the things I can’t have in life…. The family I always wanted…. The life I’ve always wanted… The friends … I never had… The people I haven’t met yet….

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Alone will protect me from hurt…. Disappointments…  Dejectedness….. Unfairness …. .

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Alone I can be myself … Smile alone… Cry alone… Sing alone… Be in solitude….. With nothing but my thoughts….

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With the hope that one day I will be alone… And Happy …

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For Alone is what I have … Alone is what protects me….

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Dedicated to all the lessons from Failure and my support after my fall.

Life is as always , about the ups and downs , the mysterious ways by which and for which we all live .
I failed at something I’ve never failed at …..
I was scared….
I was disappointed…..

Yet. I ve been able to decide that its not the failure that counts, but the lessons that count.

Just like you find out when the storm or Apocalypse draws closer , who your true friends are. … However in this storm I’ve faced, I recognise my true friends …..

Those who helped pick up the driftwood after the ship broke apart ,
I won’t hesitate to name them, but for safety purposes I’ll code them up .

A true friend recognises the failure of the other as a simple defeat, a battle lost in the war. Encourages you to go ahead , Radiya is her name. Naggs, as I call her.

A true friend makes every effort to give you all the advice to get you back on your feet after the fall,  when he or she realises you fell . Peter-Paul is his name for me. …. If he had not advised me against losing my mind I might have actually gone bananas .

A true friend gives you moral support and keeps you from blaming yourself for your fall. Charlotte really kept my head above the water by hammering me with the fact that it was not my fault ,and that I really should believe in myself. I am worthy.

Some provided me with some comforting. Like Tima , Becca, And some few others.

But most of all my baby Sis and my parents. My dad told me that he knows I did my best, and still believes I will do better next time. My mum told me I can do whatever I want to in this world if I am hard working and dedicated enough.

My baby sis let me know that its not difficult to be the best. But its better to learn from your mistakes ….. .

After thinking and watching ABCD2 , I decided that in this world ,

Life is always about the next step
         ~Remo D’Souza

I am a winner when I decide that my failure is a blessing and a lesson in disguise.

This post will be incomplete without dedication to Dr G K Helegbe.  The one professor who has taught me ;
Discipline is the best policy
Hardworking pays
Life can give you lemons, but its your choice what to do
Humility
Respect for all
Giving all to studies , no sidetracking of your mind .

After such a failure , I am learning from my mistakes. And I don’t hold grudges. But I rather thank God and This Block Exam.

Thank you for teaching me what success cannot.

My First Ever Fail !!!!

Its never an easy thing to study , but its not impossible , today the results to my exam came out.

A fail , 41.8 . Its not a surprise. Yet I face a very deep question to my soul . What did I do wrong???
I question what went wrong , what I was not able to do . What could I have done right ??

What did I do wrong ??
1. Slept on time ,got enough sleep .
2. Fell sick . Lost 5 days…..
3. Didn’t study enough???
4. Studied the wrong stuff.
5. Did not pray enough.
6. Answered questions wrongly??

I question what went wrong.
I think about it again and again….
I m losing my nerve each moment I think about it .