People turn out to be such jerks, some holding grudges for as many as 14 years. My life has such people, my family is so weird, most of the time I think i am so unlucky.
In my life, i have many friends but i have never had a real anchor, no one as special as a confidente, I do not believe in relationships, people all around me are in turmoil due to either being in love, or married. Apart from my parents I havent seen anyone else happily married Everyone ‘s fooling themselves by claiming to be happy, but never had a happy life.
Sometimes i just wonder why i am being so nice at all, why am i doing everything my parents want me to, why i don’t ever go against our culture, why am i pretending to be all hard and sophisticated when all i want to do is run away.
I sometimes try to break away from everything, or imagine getting a psychiatrist to have my mental state checked, but who am i fooling, this remotely uninteresting environment in an ancient place where malls, zoos ,theatres, no Mcdonalds or Psychiatrists. In other words African small town. Foreigner stuck in a foreign town. My electric fan has also broken down, no fun at all here .
Now there is also no age mate of my descent here, unless you count my younger sister. Who is 13 years old . And more than 3 years my junior.
Perfect sister, but not really close to me. I ‘ve always been so tight in my own little nutshell, I’ve never ever let anyone in, never ever, and when i do , i get rid of them soon.
I have 4 paternal uncles and three aunts. 7 external nuclear families. From my father’s family. I have a sister only. My mum is a housewife. My father is a Manager. My dad works with my Middle Bua (father ‘s sister) ‘s husband .
We left India a small time after i was born, and travelled here to Africa. My Fui ( as i call my Middle Bua in Gujarati) has two children, my cousin sister Abha and my cousin brother Jagat Singh. Mr. and Mrs. Singh have lived in Africa for a really long time, a year or two before their oldest daughter Abha ‘s birth.
When i was little, people called me cute, and as most adults are attached to small children, so were the adults in the household and the older children. Family friends included. I was loved a lot. But i was terribly mischievious, and trouble found me rather often than can be imagined. My Fuagi ( my Middle aunts husband) was always sure to get me treats from his numerous travels . Which was ok, but it induced severe hate for me in his childrens heart ( as i think happened) . After a few years my sister was born, i started getting less attention ,but apart from that my cousins started treating me inferior ,i retaliated by turning into what i am now. I can’t trust anyone now.
My sister is a nice little girl, she deserves to be happy always. I dont blame anyone but myself for harbouring envy at a young age.
Till date Jagat Singh has never forgiven me for taking attention away from them. Even Abha i fear has harboured such feeling towards me. But she never is open towards her belief and charater . Jagat on the other hand has my respect for the fact that he has never hid any of his views about anyone, he is an honest hearted cousin of mine . A true brother no matter the hate or inferior treatment. Abha as well for never making me feel bad about anything .
These people have made me to never be a people pleaser. Even though i act like one . Im not.
Today i am nearly in a state of tears when i go over the story of my life.
I am sixteen years, nine months ,seventeen days, twenty -two hours, forty five minutes, nine seconds old.
I have :
– Broken my ankle .
– Had a bicycle accident .
– Bunked Math classes .
– Cried myself to sleep a lot.
– Had and got over three crushes .
– Seen a lot of rainy days.
– Witnessed a cat dying.
– Seen a wedding take place.
– Given up on things for others .
– Lied to make someone feel okay.
– Said the wrong things a lot.
– Hurt a lot of people.
– Gotten mistrusted by my parents who think i have an affair.
– Been Overweight a lot.
– Fallen sick a lot .
– Seen Old People .
– Lost a very important person in my life due to death.
– Been down-trodden a lot .
– Been bullied a lot.
– Stood up to bullies after a long bullying bout.
– Hidden my feelings always.
– Believed in love.
– Said no to relationships.
– Lost Belief in love.
– Fasted for 15 consecutive Days
I have never :
– Gotten drunk before.
– Been arrested .
– Trusted or thought about getting into a relationship.
-Broken someones trust.
-Found my Confidente.
– Been sociable.
– Trusted anyone fully.
– Learned to be open to people yet .
– Kissed anyone.
– Hated someone enough to kill.
– Forgotten any bad thing which has ever happened to me.
– Slept under the stars .
– Been involved with any strange incidents .
– Forgotten God.
All this in this age. Wow.