Death and its other friends .

Death,  something that affects a lot of people ‘s lives ,some more than others, yet it lingers like an unseen hand behind every living entity.

In my whole existence ,i have experienced many such losses, some when i had no compresion about what had happened. 
Some happened when i was fully aware of who had been taken by death.

In 2005 i lost my Pop -pops, Meemaw is still alive though, my Dad was sad, i was young then, and had no idea what the big deal was, why were there  so many friends over at our  house, why did my Momma cry so much, Mishti cried her eyes out, even though she was about four years old. It was something i did not understand then ,what had happened?

It was not a few years later my Momma ‘s Meemaw passed on, at that time, i was old enough to know what  someone passing away meant  . 

But i had never met them and did not feel sad for any of their passings . For i had never actually known them, never played in their lap, never had them dress me up as a baby, never really had any acquaintance with them whatsoever.
It was no clean break, as it was an unknown loss.
How can one lose something that was never a belonging, right? 

In 2010 ,i lost someone very dear to me, It ( yes, it)  was a very dear pet, and as i saw it limping across the garden i knew the end was near for it.
Within a few hours, or rather days, it passed on.
I was heart broken.
That day ;i cried, i wept  , i saw its dazed brown- black eyes, staring into space, its life gone  ,whenever i closed my eyes.

My momma was away ,and i was really shaken by its passing on, since then, i have never been myself.

I cocooned myself in my shell ,i pushed people away, i never made new friends. I lost a lot of friends in the process.

It was a very funny thing to explain ,the pet was not my life, but somehow it felt like part of me died with it .
I have never, NEVER, been able to stay attached to any person, pet or family anymore.

It s as if i became a stone hearted diva. I never dated anyone, never believed in love, never wanted to be involved with anybody .

Fate chose otherwise.

I have a personality in my head , u ‘d call him a conscience. RJ  as i call mine.

Back in West Africa, i returned to School,  Senior High School, as a junior, a week or two after i came back to school.  This tall fair guy walked in to meet our tiny Math teacher Mr Prosper A.
As he stood there, mr Prosper shooed him away saying “Do not stand by me “, it took him and us a long while to understand why .
He, the baby faced tall, and adorable guy was in fact, about three heads taller than the teacher. 
It was the first time i saw him, A B . i called him secretly Bunny. Though he had a first name  Every one opted to call him AB, but i prefered Halogen. For he was a very secretly grumpy person. Claiming to be a very well behaved and low tempered angel.

I saw through that, i am a very perceptive person, i can tell from from one glance, the kind of person one secretly is  . More or less i can see through a lot of false pretenses..

That day i saw in Hal a very  loyal friend, one who jokes and laughs often. Yet i saw a proud and artful poet, a born writer, and an emotional tom, through the time i spent in School.

I felt feelings i never had for anyone, not even my pet. Not for myself. However it was an impossibility. I was like the Isabella to Jacob. Or Joey ‘s Rachel from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

There were the sparks, but to wet wood it was impossible.

After i gave up on Hal ,RJ kept me sane, kept me from breaking apart. I write whenever i can. Things are bad in my life but thinking of death makes me remember my losses,
I have lost two school teachers too.
But i was nt soo close to them as i was to Hal. It was like Hal had died. My Bunny had died . It felt like i was broken.  I felt like I lost the will to live. I used to cry throughout the  night.

All  through this  i finally got over Bunny, he had no idea, i  was cowardly enough to  hide my feelings.

RJ encouraged me to  tell Bunny  ,which i did, but Bunny never said a thing,  finally the WASSCE was over and i was at home. During which i became closer to Hal telling him all i could, i stayed up all night chatting with him.

During which time i was close to a friend AJ, Arnie, Arnie was soo crazy, we were school friends, Junior High School.

I would say AJ is the only friend who i ve told about my feelings for Hal apart from Lina and Rads.

I was happy i was finally over Hal, but Hal had just started to be involved  .

Now i , an overweight, and confused teenager, was in no way able to handle all of this.

Because Hal would cause a lot of pain for me. It was a lost case . Though it was like Harry losing Hermione  . Unimaginable.

Today, Friends are there, sometimes for me. And i still havent told them about all of this.
I cannot bear the pain of being that intimate with anyone. Hal’s  the exception though i dont want him to act like any other emotion phobic male who would run for cover over my crazy state. And i would rather hide this part of me from him. The girl who lost part of her when her pet died and became someone else…..

Advertisements