Dedicated to all the lessons from Failure and my support after my fall.

Life is as always , about the ups and downs , the mysterious ways by which and for which we all live .
I failed at something I’ve never failed at …..
I was scared….
I was disappointed…..

Yet. I ve been able to decide that its not the failure that counts, but the lessons that count.

Just like you find out when the storm or Apocalypse draws closer , who your true friends are. … However in this storm I’ve faced, I recognise my true friends …..

Those who helped pick up the driftwood after the ship broke apart ,
I won’t hesitate to name them, but for safety purposes I’ll code them up .

A true friend recognises the failure of the other as a simple defeat, a battle lost in the war. Encourages you to go ahead , Radiya is her name. Naggs, as I call her.

A true friend makes every effort to give you all the advice to get you back on your feet after the fall,  when he or she realises you fell . Peter-Paul is his name for me. …. If he had not advised me against losing my mind I might have actually gone bananas .

A true friend gives you moral support and keeps you from blaming yourself for your fall. Charlotte really kept my head above the water by hammering me with the fact that it was not my fault ,and that I really should believe in myself. I am worthy.

Some provided me with some comforting. Like Tima , Becca, And some few others.

But most of all my baby Sis and my parents. My dad told me that he knows I did my best, and still believes I will do better next time. My mum told me I can do whatever I want to in this world if I am hard working and dedicated enough.

My baby sis let me know that its not difficult to be the best. But its better to learn from your mistakes ….. .

After thinking and watching ABCD2 , I decided that in this world ,

Life is always about the next step
         ~Remo D’Souza

I am a winner when I decide that my failure is a blessing and a lesson in disguise.

This post will be incomplete without dedication to Dr G K Helegbe.  The one professor who has taught me ;
Discipline is the best policy
Hardworking pays
Life can give you lemons, but its your choice what to do
Humility
Respect for all
Giving all to studies , no sidetracking of your mind .

After such a failure , I am learning from my mistakes. And I don’t hold grudges. But I rather thank God and This Block Exam.

Thank you for teaching me what success cannot.

My First Ever Fail !!!!

Its never an easy thing to study , but its not impossible , today the results to my exam came out.

A fail , 41.8 . Its not a surprise. Yet I face a very deep question to my soul . What did I do wrong???
I question what went wrong , what I was not able to do . What could I have done right ??

What did I do wrong ??
1. Slept on time ,got enough sleep .
2. Fell sick . Lost 5 days…..
3. Didn’t study enough???
4. Studied the wrong stuff.
5. Did not pray enough.
6. Answered questions wrongly??

I question what went wrong.
I think about it again and again….
I m losing my nerve each moment I think about it .

Realising how lonely school can be

“HELLO Class !!” the voice of our instructor broke my epiphany , as I started getting my thoughts in order I arched my back into the curved slump that I usually sit in. I glanced at the students in the lab and started off in my train of thoughts.   
The class was filled with high achievers. People who spend almost all their time studying. All their energy on studying , people who actually know more than I do . People I have to compete with ….
“As proteins……” Wait what did Dr. H’s minion just say? I started to pay attention.
Testing of proteins. Very interesting practical. Yet due to the lack of water in the laboratory , we were attending a lecture instead. 
Then out of nowhere I almost get knocked off my stool by a person trying to move around the crowded laboratory , I turned and swallowed my complaint almost immediately , that was Dr. H !!.
Thank heavens I didn’t say anything …….. that practical was going to be a long one .

Minion had us group ourselves into 8 groups. I was in group 7 , with 12 others. Gideon , Roger , Patience , Among others . We were asked to keep our phones aside and complete a group exercise. Amino acids. Peptide bonds. Test for proteins. Some stuff on the practical which we were not able to do and a question we were all clueless about. Gideon and others immediately started using their tablets and mobiles to research . I was outraged but instead picked my phone and used the dictionary app to do my part of the research .

Other groups were also cheating …. The whole practical room was buzzing with cheating and chatter even though there was the supervisor and his minion looking out for any cheating .

That was a long practical .Really boring ,and tiring as it occured around a little past noon , with an early harmattan sun .

That afternoon I realised how lonely school is, everybody works for themselves. Nobody cares about the other. They just pretend to care and pretend to help.

This world is really a lonely one.

Alone, Acceptance, Change, Resolutions.

Staying up late is not the best way to decide how miserable life has made you .
But the way my life has been going ,I’m beginning to question every single thing I’ve done all throughout my life.
Its not depression, but at the same time its not pleasant either, my only regret is that I cannot change what I’ve done and cannot do what I want to .

For the past 6 weeks, I’ve been avoiding a feeling, denying the signs, and falsely keeping myself away from myself . But for me. That’s what my life will be till I die .

Right now. Do whatever my parents want me to , avoid what makes me live , laugh and feel .
Later on,  marry someone who my parents will approve of. Then follow his damn rules and that of his family till I die. Maybe that’s what I m destined for , what every average Indian girl is destined to become .

Sometimes I feel tied down, suppressed, then , in the other aspects of my life ;
  I can go on being that talkative girl who keeps chattering on about nothing. The girl that keeps bothering everyone. Teasing everybody , just bothering anybody at all .
   I can keep on being told off for being rude when I’m upset (as nobody can tell until I through fits) .
  Keep apologising because other people are too proud to stand the bitchy friend who is pissed and won’t bother to ask why .

Sometimes its alone when nobody understands you , when nobody knows what you go through each day, what it takes to go through a day without thinking how helplessly chained one can be .

Its a war each day between every alter ego I ve created. The studious one. The show.  The sensitive one , and the Happy-go-lucky one .

As a student. A daughter . A true self, and the alternate person who should be me . its a war in there ,sometimes its easier not to live for somebody.

But what can I do ? My soul is too competitive to let me just go drink some insecticide. Or jump off a building. Or just cut a wrist.

I keep living …..

Maybe just to make my parents life a little easier. Because they are doing much more than any normal person would for their kids . I may one day really leave their principles behind to go find me. But I cannot see them unhappy .
Or that a part of me knows that they really care. I cannot disappoint them at all .

I have accepted this of my life. I do feel alone , in the crowd. The circle of people , I feel like crying ( maybe it’s just my nervous system making me want to feel better.) .

But there’s a middle way.

I can do what makes me happy but doesn’t go against my parent’s principles . Like helping people , being actually nice to people, making others smile , actually noticing the wonders of the world.

Little things that make you feel good can be a fill-in for the actual thing you want that will make you happy .